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Now I want to give you two practices on sexuality. I
promise you if you incorporate these two practices into your sexual
lives, within a couple of months your sexual life will move at least
from whatever it is to good and from good to better to conscious to
sacred – if you keep all these practices.
Practice #1:
"Sabbath Sex"
The first is what I call Sabbath sex and I don’t mean
having sex on the Sabbath, although that’s not a bad idea. I mean
creating Sabbath time to have sex. There’s a time for a quickie,
but that’s not what we are in need of these days. I want to tell
you a story about Sabbath sex and I hope my parents don’t kill me.
I have five younger brothers. On Saturday afternoon, we would come
home from synagogue, we would eat lunch, and my parents would go up
to their bedroom. I was the oldest of six – so my job was to take
care of the rest of the kids on the downstairs level. I was about
nine or ten years old and I don’t know what they were doing – all I
know is that my parents had private time on Shabbat afternoon and it
wasn’t until years later that I understood what they were doing, but
here’s what I did know. On Saturday evening when they came out for
the end of the Sabbath to start the new week, they were the most
profoundly loving parents and Saturday nights were some of the most
glorious times in our home. That’s what Sabbath sex is. Now Sabbath
sex could be Wednesday afternoon, but it takes time – it takes a
nice meal – it takes the right loving words – Sabbath sex.
Practice #2:
The Rhythm of Anticipation
The second practice is what I call the rhythm of
anticipation. What I invite you to do – it seems hard, but it’s
amazingly easy and a phenomenal practice – is to create a set time
every month in which you are unapproachable to each other. I don’t
care when it is. In some traditional circles it may be around a
woman’s cycle, but it does not have to be – that’s not the issue.
The issue is to create frameworks in which people are unapproachable
to each other – this creates desire. The pop version of that is
absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, you know what? It isn’t
just the heart. Create those moments. It could be three days
during the month. Not only does it create anticipation, but it also
opens up space for other ways of developing identity. If I can’t
have sex with you, I have to talk to you. If I can’t use sex to
avoid the argument that we had a week ago, I have to talk out the
argument and I wind up actually exposing and revealing fuller
dimensions of who I am and, again, the erotic power is heightened as
erotic power is in revealing our uniqueness as human beings. That’s
what really makes it erotic and, if you do that, then what’s assured
is the mutuality and the reliability and the trust of a relationship
that allows you to have great sex.
If you keep some of these things in mind, here’s what
you’ll learn and here is what you’ll taste. The rabbis say that in
the World to Come there’ll be three things that you’ll recognize
from this world: one is the Sabbath, the second is the warmth of the
summer, and the last one is lovemaking. And that’s “Simple Wisdom.”
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