SW02 Transcript: Your Connection Reflex

Hello, I’m Irwin Kula and welcome to “Simple Wisdom.” Over the past 20 years, I’ve had the amazing experience of traveling around the country bringing the wisdom of an ancient tradition to the challenges of daily life, to try to make life a little bit more meaningful and creative.

Today we’re going to talk about connection and relationship. There’s a lot of talk about the meaning of life and it seems so esoteric. Well, today we’re going to talk about what the meaning of life is. I’m going to suggest that it lies in something we deeply know -- in connection and in relationship. But if we know that – why is it so difficult to pull off? Why do we find ourselves so lonely most of the time? Then I’m going to tell a set of stories, stories about how connection and the healing of our spirits and the healing of our souls and even the healing of our bodies are connected, to try to make this message of connection -- or what I call the connection reflex – really alive.

Now all of us, at different times in our lives, ask ourselves those heavy meaning questions. Sometimes it’s because we’ve been jolted out of our daily life. It could be because of a divorce or because of a death in our family or because we lost our job and we ask the question: What really is the priority in my life? What are the priorities? What gives my life the most meaning? Sometimes it’s because we have the physical margins. In fact, that’s the central challenge of American society. We have physical margins the likes of which no other society has ever had in history – no other society – and so, inevitably, you begin to ask the meaning question.

For me, as it was I think for most people in this country, 9/11 forced me, compelled me to ask the meaning question. I was at a meeting – a business meeting – on 9/11. We wound up watching TV for about an hour and the TV was telling everybody in New York City to go home. Of course, I went and walked towards the office. My office was more towards downtown and thousands of people were walking uptown and as I was walking downtown seeing people walk uptown, I asked myself: What am I doing? How am I going to my office when people all in ash and white are walking the other way? And I turned around and I walked home.

My wife was there. I hadn’t even spoken to her yet and we realized that our children were separated from us. Our children go to school just outside the city and the city was closed down – you couldn’t go in and you couldn’t come out. Now our children were safe and I travel 70 – 100 nights a year, but I flipped out that I was separated from my kids and I knew exactly where they were. By that evening, we had calls from all over the country – friends, acquaintances, people who we were very close with and people who we barely knew and who knew us – calls just asking us how we were. It was so overwhelming, the connection that people were making. And that night talking to Dana, my wife, we managed to get our kids back. We made a vow to each other that we would take our connections and our relationships to people more seriously than we ever had before.

About three days later, I was reading the New York Times and the Times was reporting on final cell phone conversations. I don’t know if you remember those. And I began to read those final cell phone conversations. They were overwhelming. They actually became for me a kind of liturgy, almost a sacred text, and about the third or fourth day of reading them each morning along with my prayers, a melody, a chant, an ancient Jewish chant came to mind – the chant that Jews use to remember the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. And I began chanting those on most mornings to remind me of life’s priorities. But listen to the chants because they actually tell the story of this whole show:

What struck me about these cell phone conversations, and you can get them all and they’re all like this, was that none of them sought justice – not one of them sought revenge – not one of them that I read was angry. Every single one was about love and about connection and about relationship. Allen Ginsburg says that there are moments in our lives when we recognize in the dearness of the vanishing moment what is absolutely clear when everything is stripped away – what’s most important are our deepest connections and our relationships – what we call love. But it’s so hard to keep that in mind except at those dearness of vanishing moments.

Actually, there is an understanding of meaning that I think can help us remember this in the daily moments of our lives. One of the great teachers of religion, a man named Robert Wuthnow,[1] who teaches at Princeton, teaches this about what meaning is. He doesn’t like all the fancy esoteric language about meaning. He says it’s very simple. If you listen to this, I promise you – you will never forget what meaning is again. I want you to think of cooking. Think of yourself cooking. By the way, for some of you the very idea of cooking may actually be meaningful. But just cooking. Now I want you to think of yourself cooking for your family. Which is more meaningful – just cooking or cooking for your family? Now think about this – you’re cooking for your family – using a recipe from your grandmother and you’re remembering her as you’re cooking. The third is the most meaningful. Now think about this. You’re cooking – you’re cooking for your family – using a recipe from your grandmother as you remember her and, while you’re cooking, you’re also making some extra food for your neighbor who is sick and homebound. Do you see how each level is more meaningful? That’s what meaning is, what Wuthnow calls spheres of relevance – how many spheres of relevance, how many frameworks can any individual act have? And the more spheres of relevance, the more connections to other people, the deeper the meaning of the act is, and that’s true with any act – whether it’s exercise, whether it’s walking in the park, whether it’s going to work, whether it’s driving in your car – every act, if you can use your imagination, begins to connect to more and more spheres of relevance and the more spheres, the more meaning.

Now the question is – why can’t we do it? What makes it so difficult? After all, we know about children – think about a baby who curls her hand almost automatically around her mother’s finger. Think about a baby that is ready to give love to anybody because the baby hasn’t yet learned that you’re not allowed to do that. We all know that little babies, if they are not hugged and caressed and taken care of and touched, not only do they get sick, but they could potentially die. When did we forget that? When did we forget connection? If you think about it – actually it’s quite complicated – when we open ourselves up that way we get hurt and, more than that, we have been taught by our own culture that somehow connecting is a sign of weakness. From the earliest time we learn about self-made men. I mean, is there such a thing as a self-made man? We could do a lot of things to ourselves, but we can’t make ourselves. We hear of rugged individualism – self-reliance and self independence -- as if we can do anything really on our own. We teach our children that they have to take their tests and the most important thing is not to cheat when we know all learning is collaborative.

I recently went on a tour of one of the great planetariums in this country with one of the leading cosmologists/physicists. We went through the planetarium and it was really a spectacular experience and he debriefed us afterwards. He said: “Yes, this is an amazing thing, but I’m deeply disappointed in one thing – every single discovery was attributed to one person. Do you know that no science happens that way? No science discovery happens by one person sitting in the room – it’s all collaborative. Is that what we teach?

In the Book of Genesis, we’re told that there are two creation stories.[2] In the first story, Adam is created alone. In the second story, Genesis 2, the very first value judgment in the Bible appears – it’s not “don’t eat, it’s not good” – that’s the second [value judgment]. The very first value judgment is that it is not good to be alone. That’s the fundamental human problem – not suffering, not death, not pain -- but being alone. And we all know that we can be in pain, but when we’re not alone the pain is mitigated. Dying is most frightening when we’re alone, and by the same token – joy. How important is joy when you can’t share it with anybody? Loneliness. The paradox is our greatness lies in our uniqueness and our separateness and our individuality in the first story, but by the same token that separateness and that uniqueness create a yearning to connect to other people and that connection is what gives our life meaning. The promise of a spiritual life – the promise of a life with wisdom – heals the tension between our separateness, our individuality, and our connection and our need for others.

The promise of our spiritual life – the promise of a wise life – is to heal that split between our separateness and our connection. Jewish wisdom teaches something very, very radical. It says our connection to other human beings actually trumps our connection to God. There is a famous story in the Book of Genesis about Abraham.[3] Abraham is sitting in the heat of the day in front of his tent. He’s meditating and he’s encountering God. He is in one of those mystical bliss moments and three strangers come by. He immediately leaves to entertain the strangers – welcomes them into his tent – gives them food and gives them drink. In other words, it’s like this – he said: “Oh sorry, God, I have to entertain some people now” – or is it really that he understood that in leaving God, he met God? A genuine spiritual approach is not a leap into some mystical connection with a God that you dissolve yourself in, but actually what a genuine spiritual and wise approach to life is – a leap of solidarity and connection to other human beings which is immeasurably more difficult than a leap into God. In fact, in Jewish life in the most important prayer – the prayer called the Shema: “Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One” – in which we claim the whole world is unified, the rabbis teach that if someone greets you and says hello in the midst of that meditation, you have to step out of that meditation and greet [him] back and say, “Shalom, hello.”[4] The connections to human beings trump the connection to God because what the connection to God is about is meeting the face of God in other human beings.

Now we know this, but it’s so hard to internalize because you know what? It’s not a rational linear thing. We need to feel it emotionally and so I want to tell you some stories that touch not the logical part of your head because the logical part of your head says you’re separate, but rather the intuitive part of your heart which says: I’m connected. The logical part of your head says: I’m an individual wave, a high wave, or a low wave. The intuitive part of your heart says: I’m connected to that source, the water, so I’m connected to every other wave. The logical part of your head says: I’m a leaf on this branch. The intuitive part of your heart says: I’m a leaf on this branch connected to a common tree or, as we say in spiritual language, all of us are God in drag, which means all of us are profoundly and deeply connected. So here are some stories.

Rachel Naomi Remen, one of the great teachers in the U.S. and one of the great doctors, tells this story about the power of connection. She was working with a young man who had a motorcycle accident and [as a result] he was a paraplegic. He was very bitter and she asked him to draw a picture of what his life was like. H e drew a picture of a vase with a crack running right down the vase. About six months later and a lot of work, he wound up taking a visit to another ward in the hospital and he found out that because of what he had gone through, he was able to help people in similar or even less serious condition. After a few months of doing that, he visited Dr. Remen again and she said to him: “This has been a remarkable recovery” -- and she gave him the picture. She said: “Do you remember this picture?” And he said: “Yes, let me have it.” And in the crack he drew rays of sun coming out. You see what connection does. The connection was actually healing to him.

About five or six years ago, I did a wedding of a couple that was one of the most amazing situations: Donald and Sherri. Donald had become a widower. His wife had died of cancer and it was kind of a vicious cancer. He had two kids and obviously there were a lot of wounds and a lot of hurt, and [then] he fell in love with this woman Sherri. About six months into this courtship, Sherri was diagnosed with a malignant tumor. The first thought she had was: I can’t tell Donald. I have to break this off because they’ve been so hurt. They can’t do this again. And so she called him up and she said: “I have to break this off.” Through several weeks, Donald called her and said: “What’s going on?” She didn’t take the calls. Finally, he persevered and they met and with tears in her eyes she said to him: “I have cancer – I’ve had a mastectomy and now I’m in chemo and I just don’t feel right. Your family has been so hurt.” And he turned to her with an open mouth and he said to her: “I know how to do cancer – we know how to do cancer, but what we don’t know how to do without is love.” You see, connection and relationship are central to our healing – they’re central to who we are no matter what’s happening.

My grandmother…died just a couple of years ago well into her 90’s. At about 92 or 93, she fell and broke her hip and she went into a coma for a few days and the doctors told us that was it. My cousin, who was less rational than the other side of the family, yelled at her for 12 hours. They had to move her – “Bubby, you have to get up! There’s a bar mitzvah in the family in one month and you have to get up – you have to get up – Tsvi needs you at the bar mitzvah.” [He did this] for 12 hours and we were all embarrassed because we are so rational. Three days later, she woke up and a month later she was at the bar mitzvah. Now it’s not that connection cures, but connection always 100% heals – sometimes it cures.

And connection is of all ages. About 10 or 12 years ago, I went to Israel. We had been involved in the rescue of Ethiopian Jewry and I went to Israel. It was the middle of February and some Ethiopian Jews literally had just gotten to Israel and it’s a very hot climate in Ethiopia in February. [But] in Israel it was colder and I was wearing a jacket and gloves. We meet these ten year old kids and they had literally gotten there a couple of days [before]. They were shivering and they had never seen gloves – never seen electricity, never seen running toilets, never seen gloves. They pointed and they asked: “Can I see the gloves?” I took off my gloves and I gave them to the ten year old kid. He put them on and you could see this incredible smile – his hands had been warmed. And then within five seconds he took off one glove and gave it to the friend of his standing by his side -- one of his peers. The kid put on the glove and they put out their hands and were incredibly happy – in other words, the connection warmed them, even though they [each] had one less glove.

You know these stories once you’re aware of connection – these stories are everywhere. Recently, an Israeli suicide bomber victim died and his kidney was given as a transplant to an elderly Arab woman. Well, the newscaster was interviewing both the Israeli brother of the victim and the Israeli mother, and of course probably looking for a little anger. The Israeli brother said: “My brother would be happy knowing he has saved a life.” The mother said: “That mother – that Arab mother is my sister.” Then they went to the Arab woman and the son of that woman, and the Arab woman kept saying: “He’s my son now, too” – and the brother kept saying: “He’s my brother now.” That’s what connection can do –that’s the healing capacity of connection.

You know the parable about heaven and hell – the only difference between heaven and hell is this: in hell, there’s a giant sumptuous table and everyone is sitting at the table. Their elbows have splints on them so that not one person can take from the food and feed himself. That’s hell. You know what heaven is – it’s set up exactly the same – the most sumptuous meal at the table and every single person sitting at the table has his elbows in a splint, but what they have learned to do is to take the spoon and feed the person next to them and so they can enjoy the sumptuous meal. In other words, the only difference between heaven and hell is that hell is when we forget to connect. Remembering to connect – keeping that alive in our consciousness all the time – is incredibly important. Rene Descartes, the founder of modernity, coined a very famous phrase to prove that we exist. He said: “I think, therefore I am and I doubt, therefore I am.” A spiritual wise approach to life is not that. A wise approach to life is: I am in relationship, therefore I am.

Now there are practices that can begin to work that connection reflex muscle that has been weakened in the last century in this country. The first is a very easy practice. Does it ever happen to you that you’re sitting there during the day and you remember someone whom you haven’t thought about in a long time and you say: “I have to call that person” and then you don’t do it? Do it! If you do that – that happens probably once every two or three days – if you do that for a month, you will see that different things will happen in your life because when you remember someone to connect to, there’s a reason for that. If you follow through on those deep places that want to connect, your life changes. Connect when you remember that person and your life will change.

A second practice is what I call a connection inventory. Every single night or at least once a week what I want you to do is this: review in your mind who the people you love most are. Take five people a night and ask: “How have I connected to them today or this week? How deeply? Whom have I blown off this week? To whom do I need to connect more deeply?” If you do that, your connection reflex will deepen.

And the last practice is a practice that will connect you to the world. When you take a piece of bread and are about to eat it, take 20 seconds and think about all the connections that got that bread to your table – the person who sold the farmer the seed, the farmer, the miller who milled the flour, the baker who baked the flour, the person who packed the bread, who trucked the bread, who put the bread on the shelf, who sold you the bread.[5] You do that and your life will have connection. And what we need more than anything else in this world right now are connection warriors. We have a lot of other kinds of warriors – we need connection warriors. That’s “Simple Wisdom.” Thank you very much. I’m Irwin Kula and I look forward to seeing you again.

[1] Robert Wuthnow, Rediscovering the Sacred (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Eerdmans Publishing Company).

[2] ²⁷And God created the human in God’s image, in the image of God, God created the human; male and female God created them. (Genesis 1:27)

[3] ¹God appeared to him by the terebinths of Mamre; he was sitting at the entrance of the tent as the day grew hot. ²Looking up, he saw three men standing near him. As soon as he saw them, he ran from the entrance of the tent to greet them and, bowing to the ground, ³he said, “My lords, if it please you, do not go on past your servant. ⁴Let a little water be brought; bathe your feet and recline under the tree. ⁵And let me fetch a morsel of bread that you may refresh yourselves; then go on—seeing that you have come your servant’s way.” They replied, “Do as you have said.” (Genesis 18:1-5.)

[4] If one is studying the Shema in the Torah, and the time for reading the Shema has arrived: if one had the Shema in mind then one is exempt from reading it. Between the paragraphs of the Shema, one may greet another out of respect and respond. (Mishnah, Berachot) 2:1.

[5] Ben Zoma said: What labors Adam had to carry out before he obtained bread to eat! He ploughed, he sowed, he reaped, he bound [the sheaves], he threshed and winnowed and selected the ears, he ground [them], and sifted [the flour], he kneaded and baked, and then at last he ate; whereas I get up, and find all these things done for me. (Babylonian Talmud: Berachot 58a).

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SW02: Your Connection Reflex