Show Transcripts

SW05: Deepening Love

Hello, I’m Irwin Kula, and welcome to “Simple Wisdom.”  We live in an age in which there is so much change and so much choice that it is hard to know where to stand and how to live.  “Simple Wisdom” is about bringing the insights of an ancient tradition to the challenges to daily living in the hope that we can have a life that is a little bit more creative and a little bit more meaningful.  

Today, we are going to talk about something we crave, but find so difficult to have. We are going to talk about intimacy. First, we are going to talk about why it is we crave intimacy so much – to get a better handle on what it is – and then I’m going to suggest a number of myths around intimacy – definitional problems around intimacy that actually keep us from being able to find intimacy and then perhaps, from all that, we’ll have a definition of intimacy.  If you go into bookstores and listen to radio shows these days, it’s clear that so many people are craving intimacy. One might even say there’s an intimacy crisis. I travel around the country and go to a lot of different conferences on religion and spirituality.  What is unbelievable are the forums on intimacy, the forums on friendship, and the forums on relationship.  [They] are overflowing out the door all the time. In fact, I’m not a demographer but I would suggest that if there is an epidemic in America today, the epidemic is loneliness. 

 So why is it that we crave intimacy?  Let’s begin there.  Actually, it starts with a paradox regarding what it means to be a human being  and it’s captured in the very first story of the bible -- the story of the creation of Adam.  There are really two stories of the creation of Adam. The first: Adam is created alone – all alone. He is told to master and rule the world – to produce.[1]  But the very first value judgment in the bible in the next chapter – the value judgment before whether you should eat or not from the tree – the first value judgment is: it’s not good to be alone.[2]  And Adam is put to sleep – and he awakes out of his dream of separateness to find another person.  And we have relationship.  And the loneliness is mitigated.[3]   

What the biblical story is trying to explain is that the core of the human condition – the core of every single human being [consists] of two parts: one part of us is individual – one part of us is separate.  A part of us is unique and that is the most glorious part of us.  But that same glorious part of us is also a burden because being separate and being unique and being individual, which we want to be, creates a yearning to connect.  Now we have a lot of different kinds of relationships.  We have acquaintances.  We have business colleagues, friendships – but there seems to be this desire in the human being to connect to one person most deeply – to find one person who we can share and expose ourselves to and have that person know us most deeply.  Of course, the paradox is that to be able to know another person you have to reveal yourself, but to reveal yourself you’re guaranteed to get hurt.  That’s the paradox.  I am a whole, individual, unique person.  I yearn to connect because of that, but in my yearning to connect I wind up exposing myself and getting hurt.  And so I imprison myself back in my loneliness.  Intimacy – the promise of intimacy – is [the promise] to heal the tension between our separateness and our connection.  Let me say this again.  Listen carefully.  Intimacy is the promise of healing the tension -- the split between our individuality and our connectedness.   

Now there is some confusion regarding intimacy that I think is at the core of why it is so difficult for all of us to find intimacy.  I call them the four myths of intimacy.  The first is that intimacy is not a noun. Intimacy is a verb.  Intimacy isn’t something you find.  Intimacy is a process you’re engaged in.  Intimacy isn’t an end point.  Intimacy is an ongoing creation. And if you think about it and look at the books that we see in bookstores on intimacy – I mean, the names are crazy: How to find the right man in 10 easy steps. A smart woman’s guide to finding the right man. A smart man’s guide to finding the right woman.  Think about what those books are actually claiming.  They’re claiming that love and intimacy are commodities – that intimacy is a thing.  But what happens is – the second you believe that love is this thing and the second you believe that intimacy is a commodity, you begin to fear that you’re going to lose them.  If it’s a process, it’s ongoing.  If it’s a thing – immediately you begin to fear you will lose it.  And fear is the end of intimacy.  Intimacy is a depth of consciousness, a shift from what thinking do I want from that person and how do I get it to what do I give and what part of me do I give?  And if we can’t make that shift in consciousness, we can’t have intimacy.  

The second myth of intimacy or confusion of intimacy -- and this I think is one of the most prevalent in America – is the confusion between intimacy and falling in love. I’m sure many of us have fallen in love. That’s actually much more popular these days than intimacy. Here’s the Bible’s understanding of falling in love.  Rebecca is coming to see Isaac.  She sees him and she falls off her ass (donkey).[4]  You know what that is?  We have the language for that.  That’s falling head over heels.  Jacob, when he falls in love with Rachel, is prepared to work for seven years until he gets permission to marry Rachel.  Now that’s a little extreme, but we’ve all done crazy things when in love. Love is when we’re floating in the air.  

I’ll tell you about the woman I fell in love with and eventually married, Dana.  When we were boyfriend and girlfriend she went off to Israel, in the early stages of our relationship, for a month.  I freaked out at the two week mark.  I could not live without her.  I had no money at that time in my life.  I borrowed money, flew to Israel for three days to surprise her and be with her.  My parents thought I was nuts.  That’s what falling in love is.  Falling in love is [when] you’re nuts.  Falling in love is [being] blind.  And it was crazy. And by the way, falling in love is never selfless.  Falling in love is one of the great narcissistic acts and we need it.  When you fall in love with someone, you shower them with stuff: you shower them with attention so that they will like you, so that they will love you – that is narcissism.  It’s okay – there’s nothing wrong with narcissism in the proper dosages.  In fact, falling in love is one of the great evolutionary tricks ever created because if you didn’t fall in love, you’d never figure out how to be intimate.  

Sometimes I’m standing under a marriage canopy -- a chuppah, a Jewish marriage canopy -- with a couple, officiating at their wedding, and I’m looking at them and I’m trying to say something smart.  I look at them and they are completely glassy eyed and I say to myself: thank God, because if they actually knew what was coming, they’d never get married.  That’s romantic love – that’s falling in love.  It’s great, but it’s blind, and then reality intrudes itself.  You know what reality is.  It’s the first fight – the first disagreement.  Maybe it’s about a movie, maybe it’s about sex.  Maybe you made some joke about her or his body and it was really innocuous except to the other person.  Maybe it was what restaurant to go to. Whatever it was, you have the fight and there is this pit in the stomach – something died.   It’s true – something died.  You’ve begun to leave the Garden of Eden and now you have the first decision which is the first moment of intimacy – do we leave the Garden of Eden together?  You see intimacy is not a commodity – it’s an ongoing decision.  

The third confusion of intimacy is that [with] intimacy you don’t hide anything.  Romantic love – you always hide stuff.  Just think about it.  When your date comes early – when you’re in the falling in love stage – you go nuts,  you freak out.  “I’m not ready – you can’t see me like this.”  In the falling in love stage, there is no bad breath, there is no body odor, there is no anger and impatience.  We wait for intimacy to see all that.  In romantic love, in falling in love, we hide the forbidden fruits of our life because we know, or we think, that if we show people the worst parts of who we are – if we talk about our infidelities, if we talk about the relationships that went bad, if we talk about where we messed up, about our deepest flaws and our deepest fears -- the last thing a person will want is to continue with us and we’ll be rejected, so romantic love hides stuff.  What intimacy does is just the opposite.  Intimacy doesn’t allow you to hide anything.  That’s actually the key to understanding Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden which is the greatest living laboratory of intimacy story ever told.  You know the story[5]—Adam and Eve mess up.  They eat from the tree.  Now many think that the original sin is the disobedience, or some people think original sin is sex – by the way, it’s definitely not sex because they had sex before and they have sex after.  Sex is good both times – it has nothing to do with that story.  What’s the sin?  When God says to Adam and Eve: [don’t worry about a God up there, it’s what we say to each other after we mess up], when God says to Adam and Eve, “Where are you?  What did you do?”  Adam and Eve run for cover – [they] hide out.  It’s the hiding out that is the original sin and you know why they hide out – because they are afraid.  Eve is afraid of saying,  “Hey, I messed up.”  Instead she says, “It’s the snake.” Adam is afraid of saying, “I messed up.”  And he’s afraid because if God sees the worst part – he is afraid God will walk away.  He doesn’t trust the relationship.  Original sin is the insecurity – the inability to trust the relationship, and that’s part of who we are.  By the way, part of it is defense and it’s okay.  There’s a commentator who says about the Adam and Eve story that if Adam and Eve instead of hiding out had said – “Hey, we’re sorry and we messed up.  We know we disappointed you.  You’re learning something about me.” -- they would have gotten right back into Paradise.  Instead, they make a different decision. They make a decision to leave, but they leave together.  

Intimacy is not hiding the worst parts of who we are. It’s not hiding [that] “I got this phone call from an ex- girlfriend and you know what – I fantasized about her” and intimacy is not hiding [that] “I lost some money in gambling”  Intimacy is not hiding out.  If you hide out, then the other person becomes hidden to you and you feel guilty, and when you feel guilty it creates distance – and the distance creates more hiding – and that’s the end of intimacy and it begins to unravel.  You can’t hold another person accountable for hiding if you hide. You can’t hold another person accountable for not giving if you are hiding.  

Now the fourth confusion about intimacy I think is one of the most destructive of all.  We are led to believe in American, and by a lot of religious, traditions actually that when we’re in a relationship we have found our other half.  You know how you say – that person completes me.  You ever hear that?  That person completes me.  That’s my better half.  Always watch out for the people that say “that’s my better half” -- they probably have a deep disrespect for the person they’re saying it about.  You know why?  No one of us is half a person.  You are a whole person.  I am a whole person.  There is no emotion I am not capable of. There are emotions that I’m not in touch with, but I’m a human being and I have every emotion.  As a human being, I’m capable of every action.  There are actions I don’t do.   But I’m capable of  every emotion and every action – I am a whole person.  [In the Jewish practice] under the marriage canopy, in fact, when we say the blessings that get people married, we use two full cups [of wine] indicating that even at that moment in which we are getting married and moving to the next stage of intimacy – we are two whole people.  We are not two half people coming together to make a whole.  No one can make you whole.  No one can make us whole.  We start whole.  Here is the genius of intimacy.  Intimacy is when someone is ready to think more about you than you do of yourself and to help you see who you most deeply are – that is what intimacy is.  

Let me tell you a story about my wife.  I’m married 20 years and I promise you I am just learning about intimacy.  About four years ago, we went to a dinner party and as usual I’m a talker and I was at the party kind of the center of attention a little bit.  We get back into the car and we’re driving home and out of nowhere Dana said to me: “I’m sick and tired of your being at the center of attention.” [I responded,] “What do you mean? I thought that’s what you loved about me.  You’re shy – you’re introverted and I’m the one who is comfortable with people.”  By the way, I was so hurt because after all “I am the center of attention.”  For [the next] six months we fought with each other.  It was like this undercurrent of fighting and it felt terrible.  We fought about everything.  But it was always coming back to: “Why do you always have to talk so much?”  About six months later, we’re sitting at a dinner party and I will never forget this – it was a moment of revelation – I was sitting at the table and I looked over and Dana was holding the conversation kind of at the center.  I swear to you I had a revelation.  I said, “Oh, look what my wife is doing.”  I realized I had fallen in love with her – not intimacy.  I had fallen in love with her [four years earlier] because she actually complemented me – she had the part I didn’t have – she was shy and reserved and introverted and I was extroverted and I loved that balance, but in fact what had happened is that she, in the relationship, discovered new capacities that were always there.  It wasn’t like they popped in from outer space – and at the split second I had this rush of how wonderful it was to be silent and discovered a part of me that I didn’t know – that I could actually be silent and still be me.  

Intimacy is about expanding your repertoire of who you are, but it hurts a lot because [for example] you  fall in love with someone [who is] ambitious and 10 years later you say: “I can’t stand being alone at night – you never come home.”  Or falling in love is about: “I love how easy that person is with money.”  Five years later – I can’t believe that person never saves a dollar. [Falling in love is:]  “I can’t believe how easygoing that person is with people.”  Ten years later – why does that person always need to be the center of attention?  You see, we may well be attracted to what complements us, but the worst thing we can do is to leave it there.  What’s really interesting is that when we recognize what complements us, we have to do one of two things.  Either we have to incorporate that into who we are because it’s there, too, or we have to develop empathy for our differences.  

Falling in love is about commonalities and it’s only so important – it’s important in a larger scheme of things to get you there, but if I fall in love with someone who is exactly like me [or who is my “other half”]  – what am I really doing?    I’m falling in love with myself.  The really interesting thing is to be intimate with someone who is different and then have to figure out: “This is really interesting, this really annoys me – why does it annoy me?  Who am I now?”  Now you get to discover who you are.  That’s a whole different trend.  The Garden of Eden story deals with all of these issues.  The most beautiful part…is at the end of the story.  Adam and Eve had to leave the Garden because that’s what intimacy is.  You leave the Garden.  And God says to Adam and Eve, who are already clothed because they clothed themselves, “Here’s some clothing – I want to clothe you.”  Commentators say: “Why more clothing?”  (It’s a Jewish custom to be in the clothing business.)  And the commentators suggest that God was saying to Adam and Eve: I know you need more security – I know you need more protection.  Here’s protection.  Please don’t be afraid to be who you are – don’t be afraid to show the flaws and imperfections.  I’ll cover for you.  

Now I don’t know about God.  But I know that I want to be in a relationship in which I cover up for someone else and someone else covers up for me so that I can let all of who I am come out, even some of the rough stuff.  And then the amazing part about this story [occurs] after they leave the Garden.  They’ve just betrayed each other.  They’ve just shattered each other’s confidence.  They’ve just failed to show each other trust.  They walk out hand in hand together and they make love and they produce life.  You know what that’s like?  That’s like when you’re in an intimate relationship and you have that fight that maybe lasts two or three days and you really work it through.  You don’t walk away.  It hurts, but you grow and develop, and then you make up and make love.  That making love after a fight is so affirming of life – that’s intimacy.   

Under the wedding canopy the final act is shattering the glass – and people ask: Why shatter a glass?  There are a lot of opinions, but it seems to me that shattering the glass is in some respects the definition of intimacy.  Intimacy is when the glass [the relationship] begins to shatter, but the brilliance of that Jewish wisdom tradition is that at the moment in which you’re establishing intimacy (and, by the way, it doesn’t only have to be marriage – I know a lot of marriages that have no intimacy and I know a lot of relationships that are not marriages that have profound intimacy) – at the moment of committing to intimacy – the community says don’t worry, they all yell out mazel tov (congratulations) after you break the glass.  As if they are saying you will have shatterings in your life – I promise you – that’s what it means to be intimate.  You will have shatterings and breakings and hurts and flaws, but – mazel tov – you’ll get through [them].  You’ll get through them because you’re walking out of the Garden of Eden of that canopy together and because you have people around you who will help you get through it and that’s intimacy.  

I want to offer you three practices regarding intimacy.  The first is what I call the “second date” practice. There are a lot of us who only can do first dates.  Here’s the second date.  You don’t have to promise anything – you could be honest – you could say: I’m not sure I’m going on a third date, but I’ll go on a second date and here’s what I want you to do.  You don’t have to love the person, you don’t [even] have to like the person.  This is what you have to do.  When something annoys you on the second date, ask yourself this question: Why does it annoy me?  Does it annoy me because it’s a trait that I lack or does it annoy me because it’s a trait I need to develop empathy for?  You don’t have to have a third date.  The second practice is for people who are already intimate.  You have to learn something new about the person every week for four weeks.  And the third practice is once a week, with the person with whom you are in a relationship, whether romantic love or intimacy, bless the person for something that [person] did for you to help you grow.  

Now, if you do those three practices and you keep in mind [or clarify] the confusions between romantic love and intimacy, then I promise you not that necessarily you’ll be in an intimate relationship, but that you’ll understand better what intimacy is about and  that the wonder of intimacy is not that things are perfect.  The wonder of intimacy is that you create an environment in which two people are ever growing and ever changing, and that’s the greatest act of faith of all because when you’re changing and growing,  that’s exactly when you can grow apart.  If you do that [create that environment], you may well lose paradise but you’ll gain a world.  And that’s “Simple Wisdom.”  Thank you very much.  I’m Irwin Kula and I look forward to seeing you again.